The words home and house are not always synonymous. During the work week, I live in a house, come Friday evening however, I go Home.
Home isn’t just a place to sleep and get out of the rain as a house is, home is a place where you can feel free to be yourself without judgment, to truly relax and escape the world, and to be loved by those around you. Since my birth my family has resided in five different houses, and none of them have felt like home to me. I have always struggled to feel comfortable in the environment my family creates. I should clarify that they aren’t bad people by any means, we just don’t share the same life values and priorities. I struggle to relate to their desires to always climb the ladder or their infatuation with creating an illusion of obscene wealth for the sole purpose of flaunting it rather than simply focusing on stability and comfort. Just as well, their need to shove their religion down the throat of whoever is within earshot further drives a wedge between us. This lack of a connection has led me to sink into a self-inflicted introverted state of separation. More often than not I find myself coming home from work to hide in my room, (that is, if I come home at all) trying not to make too much noise or be noticed. It is quite depressing to feel as if I’m not able to do simple things like play music out loud or even cook in my own house, and over time this arrangement becomes quite taxing on one’s mind. This is why every Friday once the whistle blows at work I go back to my house to pack a bag before making the trek north to my home among the people I love.
For the past three years I have been more then fortunate to be able to escape the day to day by travelling up to my girlfriend’s family’s farm on the weekends. This is when I get to feel at home. The sense of family, the freedom of individuality, and the ability to freely express my thoughts and feelings further support the feelings of being “home”. It proves almost overwhelming some nights to be able to join her family at the dinner table, as they eat together every single night, and be a part of a whole family. It has completely changed my life to be able to observe her parents live out a healthy marriage and to learn from them what actually matters in a relationship. The amount of life lessons I have learned while spending time on the farm are almost incomprehensible. Her father has taught me the true value in hard work, her mother has passed on her vast knowledge of cooking and animal healthcare. Though the lesson I’ve learned from her family that is the most strikingly opposite from anything my own family would have taught me is that it is always best to live below your means. Don’t live on credit if you don’t have to, and never budget all of your earnings away. This choice to live a very simple life even though an extravagant one is financially possible is quite refreshing compared to the attempts of my own family to appear wealthier then they really are by spending money they don’t have. The differing outlooks on wealth and family ties is really amplified once you realize these two families are quite similar on paper. Both feature a father whom owns and operates a successful small business, both include a homemaker style mother figure, and each include an equal number of children from the same age group. It is the values and attitude differences that cause such a stark difference in the feel of each household.
Even with all of these conditions at play a tremendous feeling of guilt hangs over my head whenever I return to my family’s house on Sunday evenings. This unintentional living of a double life forces me to deeply reflect upon my behavior in both environments, which is enlightening in so many ways, some not so nice. It sometimes feels as if being perpetually caught in a lie, having to sometimes remind myself of where I am and how I should act because of it. One could argue that I need to do whatever it is I need to do to feel happy, to be able to go home, but I can’t seem to shake the guilt pushing my own family out of my life to favor another.